[smartd]

Walmart application-laugh for today!

This is the greatest application ....what a guy!!! He should live to be a really old fella with that attitude! This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny..... NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment . MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?' HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the lace>Bahamaslace> with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[tank nut]

You sure that was not you??

[TopHat]

I'm not going to post....wouldn't want to get in dutch......

[mikeb1958]

Originally Posted by TopHat

I'm not going to post....wouldn't want to get in dutch......

Move over TopHat, I'm with you.

[MoMo]

TopHat

But you did! Is that the joke ?

[TopHat]

Originally Posted by MoMo

But you did! Is that the joke ?

MoMo, is my time up? I'm tired of sitting in the corner.....

[smartd]

A cop's worst nightmare. Graphic content.

[Captain Eddie]

I was feeling depressed the other night so I called Lifeline.

The call was transferred to a call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Shawn 507]

The Sensitive
Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his
apartment.


She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'






She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:














'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf.'

[skydriver]

*Indian Chief *

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued,

"Him? One woman, one feather. Him?"pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleepwith all women.Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to behung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run toofast!"