[smartd]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. >>

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
>>
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "I dunno, Son. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
>>

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a older lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.>>


They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.>>


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy....go gitcha momma.....">>

>>

[Rush104]

What do the Minnesota Vikings and a broken telephone have in common?

No ring!

[11SQNLDR]

The train was quite crowded,
so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but
the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged,
French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the
fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window

[kabelace]

Originally Posted by 11SQNLDR

The train was quite crowded,

so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but
the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged,
French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the
fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window

[Nimrod48]

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[Nimrod48]

THE ART OF FLYING or
What every Pilot should know ....

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them
If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is screams coming from the passengers, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.
It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to appeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[mapleflag]

In Honour of those about to celebrate tomorrow,
PS. Real Irishmen don't drink green beer.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over

by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little guy , O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,

he must have had something in his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible

lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have

something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty

it was, but useless in a fight."

> ******************* **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the

city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms

across his chest,

"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

" For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


> ******************* **************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in ?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's
my husband?"

" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."

" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."



> **********************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So wh at's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask,
Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

*******************************

THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,

sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk

continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either!" ---

[Old Crow]

All I know are grade school jokes (from my kids) and lawyer jokes. No one wants to hear the latter because the lawyers don't think they're funny and everyone else thinks their true. So, here is one from one of my kids:

What do you get when you add 50 male deer and 50 female pigs?

A hundred sows and bucks.

Wow, I can hear the groans from here.

[smartd]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River

[Captain Eddie]

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.