[smartd]

ONLY IN CANADA EH....

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Cripes sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goldarned passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really p'ed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bull't! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my @#&in' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals a-holes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for cripes sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a crap whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another @#%in copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the @#%in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some a-hole to confirm that it's really me on the goldarned picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
(@#%in morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate @#%ing Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST @#%ing CHINA!!!

[smartd]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER
>
>
>
> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
> pharmacist,looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
> cyanide.'
>
> The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
>
> The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
>
> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give
> you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
> license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
> happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
>
> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed
> with the pharmacist's wife.
>
> The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different.
> You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[smartd]

You know you are a cop if...

1) You have the bladder capacity of five people.

2) You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

3) You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.

4) Your idea of a good time is a 'man with a gun' call.

5) You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.

6) You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.

7) You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

8) You have your weekends off planned for a year.

9) You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

10) You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located.

11) You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: 'Suicide... getting it
right the first time.'

12) You ever had to put the e phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

13) You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

14) You believe anyone who says, 'I only had two beers' is going to blow more than a .15

15) You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

16) Anyone has ever said to you, 'There are people killing other people out
there and you are here messing with me.'

17) People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange
places... and you know where it's located.

18) You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while
standing over a dead body.

19) You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.

20) You walk into places and people think its high comedy to grab their
buddy and shout, 'They've come to get you, Bill.'

21) You do not see daylight from November until May.

22) People shout, 'I didn't do it!' when you walk into a room and think
they're being hugely funny and original.

23) A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.

24) You've ever referred to Tuesday as 'my weekend', or 'this is my Friday'.

25) You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.

26) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.'

27) Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.

28) You find humor in other people's stupidity.

29) You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten.

30) You feel good when you hear 'these handcuffs are too tight'.

[smartd]

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting
speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine
Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was
using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles
approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun
began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted
to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then
turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed
that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18
Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near
the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off
a complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply came
back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file
on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer
in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and
subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment
and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which
is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully
armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your
equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet
recognized the situation for what it was, quickly
responded to the missile system alert status and was able
to override the automated defense system before the
missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar
position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when
cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets
are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding
the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left
rear molar . It appears the filling is loose. Also, the
snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.

[mapleflag]

At a meeting in Brussels of the world's most renowned physicists, the British delegation was introducing their latest and greatest accomplishment, the smallest wire ever produced by mankind! 1/10000 of a mm in diameter. They spend hours telling of the hardship and intelligence required to produce it and how it is the greatest accomplishment in the world to date. Following their presentation, they are approached by a member of the German delegation who requests a sample for study purposes. The British say that they can only provide a one kilometer roll. The Germans take it back to their hotel room and the next morning return it to the Brits who ask what they found. The German professor says study it with a microscope. The British professor observes a minute hole in the end of it and says, you took a small sample for yourself, the German say no, yesterday it was a roll of wire, we bored a hole through it from on end to the other, NOW IT'S A PIPE!!

[Nimrod48]

Life in the 1500's

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could 'bring home the bacon'. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[SKUNKY]

History?....Until I read "England", I thought you were describing life in 21st Century Moncton...

[TopHat]

Originally Posted by SKUNKY

......I thought you were describing life in 21st Century Moncton...

Should we ask the Twenty-First Century Schizoid Man how it is to live in 21st Century Moncton...?

[Captain Eddie]

Welcome back, TopHat!

[Rush104]

Originally Posted by Captain Eddie

Welcome back, TopHat!

Indeed. Welcome back, Doctor!